This is my therapy

It seems like my writings (lately) is giving my girlfriend a good picture of my childhood. Sorry babe, I didn't meant to make you cry reading these. But she requested to hear (read) more. I couldn't talk to her face to face about my childhood. My mouth just seem to zipped up by themselves, a protection mechanism of the body to protect feelings of me and others. But here I go again.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I sleep with my Mum. She would pull my small hand to hug her, putting her other hand on my shoulder. It was heavy, but it gave me the sense of security. I love the warmth of her body.

She is always tired. You could hear her heavy breathing, all the system in her body trying to suck more oxygen to replenish the lost energy. She always sleep earlier than I do. So her hands and mine are stuck like that. I could move my hands away of course, but I did not. I don't even move my body no matter how much discomfort it cause me. The reason?

I don't want to wake her up. And I want the feeling of her breathing on my skin to continue. I watched as her fingers or toes twitch in the middle of the night. Her body slight move when she sleeps made me calm. Put it simply, I don't want her to die while I'm watching.

I have done some thinking about that. If she is gone at that time, I will walk to my Aunt's house, my Mum's sister. It could be 10-20 km, but a slow walk would do it. Even if I went blank, someone would definitely save me. I'm just a kid, who wouldn't save a kid?

I still remember watching the clock (Mum taught me how to read the clock) and it was 2 a.m. I haven't slept yet. Her body doesn't move. Her face were facing opposite mine, so I couldn't feel her breathing. I don't want to touch her yet. I raise slowly, and put my finger in front of her nostrils. A rush of warm breath came through. I was relieved.

I must be dreaming after that. Or I just felt asleep. I woke up early, looking for Mum but she is nowhere to be found. A bottle of Milo is on the kitchen table. Surely she went to work. I'm alone in the small space I call home. I was 5 years old. Please read this in past tense where necessary. For example, I no longer have a girlfriend so you can discard that. Chingchongchingchong.