I'm trying to remember

As a kid, I was, frankly speaking...lonely. At least that was the way I remembered it. I have two elder brothers, the closest age gap is 5 years. And even then, I hardly recall memories with them as a child. The only memory I got with them was when I learned to take my first step. I walked some step into one of my brother's arm(yes, this memory is blurred) some feet away and fell halfway. That particular brother laughed and the other pick me up. And that's it. No more memory until I met them back some years later in Mukah.

It seems that somehow during that period, both of my brothers were sent back to my father's hometown Mukah for schooling. I don't know what happen next but the next thing I remember was I am living with my Mum. Dad was nowhere to be found. Heck, I don't even remember how he looks. I was probably 3 or 4 years old, so the memories about him were probably suppressed. Met him back some months before I was sent to Mukah for schooling. Will get to that in another post.

Mum took care of me like how a mother should. But there is always this guy with her. Not my Dad. I just knew. Let's call him Jeffrey. And he is a drunkard. You can always see his bloodshot eyes. And that also makes him a violent person. Let me tell you this one thing, I definitely remembered how he pick me up by the collar, and threw me to the wall. I didn't cry on the spot, but started sobbing when Mum came to console me. Adults life, I was trying to understand them at that time.

Mum worked as a maid for the foreigners. Her English was not bad, and she does house chores diligently. Some of these foreigners had children, some about the same age as me. So they became my friend. For a while of course. Foreigners move when their job is done. So I don't get too close with them. Mum always get a job as a maid for foreigners quickly. Perhaps recommendation from former employer. When Mum went to worked, I stayed alone at home. I was 4 or 5 years old.

I became an observer. I try not to meddle into people's business. My friends are made up. Some small, little, useless toys other kids have became my precious treasure. I talked to my toys, a lot. I don't make real friends in school. I make enemies. They hate me because I condone bullies, and the fact that I'm protecting those who were bullied, makes them hates me more. Those who were bullied, afraid to be associated with me. Those who talked to me, usually asked for helps in their exercise. I duly helped. I was the top student in my class, so no big deal(at least to my Mum). I still stayed alone at home when Mum went to work. I eat alone in the cafeteria. I was 6 or 7 years old.

When my Mum is home, and no Jeffrey around, we played cards. Yes, she taught me how to play cards. I recall this one question I asked my Mum. "The bad guy (Jeffrey) is not coming home tonight right?" And she smiled. Temporary peace, based from the fake smile she produced. At least I get to sleep in her warm hug. I usually sleep alone. It's always like that.

Later.